In case you were wondering what time it is, it's about ten past fuck off o'clock for Kevin Rudolf. If you don't know who Kevin Rudolf is, other than a singing pubic hair with two first names, he's the Hitler of the music genre known as tool rock. Oh, and he sings "Let It Rock" which might as well have the sheet music written on a flat bill hat. Other well-known contributors to tool rock are Nickelback(some would say the founders), Seether, etc...
So, if Kevin Rudolf is tool rock's Hitler, then the legions of douchebags clad in white sunglasses, flat bills, Ed Hardy shirts, and jeans with more tears than my stepsister's snatch must be the storm troopers. The opening bars of "Let It Rock" are the first movements of the mating game of a tool. I can almost smell the long island iced tea.
Rudolf has been able to ignite a target audience of Aeropostale shoppers into song, dance, and muscle flexing. The last person to achieve success in this area was Uncle Kracker.
It's my theory that tool rock becomes prevalent when many people have a feeling of hopelessness. Nickelback became really popular after 9/11. Kevin Rudolf is tapping the same vein after another losing season for both the Kansas City Chiefs and the Cincinatti Bengals. Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? was cancelled. It seemed that life was raining shit all over faux-hawks everywhere.
I normally don't advocate mass suicide, but if Kevin Rudolf goes on tour with Seether with an opening act of Larry the Cable Guy and a surprise guest appearance by Carlos Mencia, let's meet on top of the Hancock Building in our swimsuits, and we'll all swan dive to a better place together.
I will not let it rock.
Goddard Out.
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