Time Traveling 101

Have you ever drank so much you forgot certain parts of the evening? Have you ever drank so much you forgot how you made it home? Have you ever drank so much that you don't remember anything and wake up in a state of shock wondering if you murdered someone or really fucked the girl laying next to you? If you answered yes to any of those questions, you have time traveled.

I know what you're thinking: what's time traveling? Isn't that impossible? Don't we need a flux capacitor?

It is possible, and I'll explain the flux capacitor later. Time traveling is what most people refer to as blacking out. The term "blacking out", however, has become too cliched and politically incorrect. Time traveling is when you have a lapse in memory due to heavy drinking, just like blacking out. Example: 9:30 you take a shot. Next memory, it is 10:45. You have effectively time traveled.

The flux capacitor is simply the will to drink until you time travel. The DeLorean is the shot you take prior to the time travel beginning.

The following is a transcript from a recent time traveling event:

8:01. We start pre-drinking. I just recharged the flux capacitor and start off with whiskey.

10:14. We arrive at the bar. A friend and I polished off a bottle of Seagrams before we left, so I'm feeling quite drunk. Better warm up the DeLorean. Shot: Red Headed Slut.

11:02. I regain consciousness. I'm in the bathroom standing in front of a urinal. My pants are around my ankles while I drunkenly try to piss and text at the same time. Shot: Viking War Helmet.

11:37. Conscious again. I'm wearing a birthday girl's tiara. Her boyfriend walks up and starts demanding I give it back. I like the way it sparkles. To diffuse the tension, Shot: Tequila, fuck the lime.

12:48. I awake. I'm in the back seat of a Tahoe with a girl and guy. Two girls sit in the front seat. We're doing lines of coke off of a VHS copy of Bride of Chucky, oh, Director's Cut Edition. Better wash this blow down. Shot: Straight, cheap whiskey.

1:23. Woke up. Laying in my bed with girl who really liked cocaine. She tells me she's done more coke than an Eagles tour. I guess I believe her. Well, all the shots and blow have left me with a case of conscientious objector cock. Sneak off to the bathroom and play blacksmith with the toilet seat. Shot: Two Tylenol PMs.

As you can see, time traveling is no joke, but it sure is fun. Except for the blacksmith part.

Goddard Out... to fill up the DeLorean.

These Headphones Blow

These headphones fucking blow. Yes, they make you look idealistic and hip and trendy. I feel like every girl I see when I'm wearing thinks I write poetry and have a beautiful singing voice. They also fall off your fucking ears like every fucking minute. Consider if you only had one glove on or one shoe. You'd have people mugging you like your sack fell out while you were hanging off the monkey bars. How am I supposed to listen to Crossfade to get pumped up in a public setting when the left headphone keeps falling out.

Fucking moronic. I'll sacrifice style for effectiveness and buy some recording studio phones.

Goddard Out... to buy some huge ass headphones.

When Will Kid Rock Die...

Hold up, relax, just wait a minute.

I love not only the music of Kid Rock but also, the idea of Kid Rock. An American Badass. He's our generation's Theodore Roosevelt only he loves Coors Light. And damnit, so do I.

I merely ask when he's going to die because he needs to have a movie made about him. We all know that movies made about one's self during one's lifetime blow. Example: Triumph of the Will about Hitler and B.T.K. about Dennis Rader, if you're thinking of Bind Torture Kiss the Rick Goddard biopic, it drops in 2011. Kid Rock has to be dead so the movie is totally badass.

For the sake of argument, considering Kid Rock's lifestyle, let's give him ten years before he croaks. So, let's do some casting. Obviously, the elder Kid Rock who reflects on his life will be played by Jake Busey. And through computer editing, Jake Busey will play Kid Rock for most of the movie.

Uncle Kracker will be played by an abnormally obese Zac Efron.

Joe C, remember Joe C the creepy small dude, will be played by Haley Joel Osment who will undergo addiction to crystal meth for the role.

Miley Cyrus will play Pamela Anderson. Trust me, in the next ten years, she'll have a boob job. Right now, she makes me want to party in the USA, but after a breast enhancement, she'll make me want to party into a handful of kleenex.

It sounds to me that this movie will kick some ass. The only bad part will be the childhood scenes in Detroit. Who knows, in ten years Detroit could be gone. Replaced by a Six Flags. We can only hope.

Now for a title... American Badass. No, too predictable. Trucking to the Top. I don't know. Cocaine and Coors: The Gospel According to Kid Rock. Bingo.

The sex scene between Kid Rock (Busey) and Pamela Anderson (Cyrus plus 2 cup sizes) will be the Sistine Chapel for boners.

Goddard Out.

I Saw Some Hypocrisy at the Library

I was studying at the library on Tuesday evening when I looked over and saw this. It was in bumpersticker form on a laptop belonging to a true student of liberalism and an avid fan of not exercise. Before I could formulate an insult to this scrot-goblin (for those who do not combine words, scrot-goblin: scrotum goblin), I noticed he had a second bumpersticker. You know the ones that say, "Welcome to Las Vegas". It made me think.

It made me think that this guy is a hypocrite. He had both "Denounce Torture" and "Welcome to Las Vegas" bumpersticks on his laptop. Who the fuck are you kidding? When you go to Vegas all you do is torture people. You drink. You torture your liver. When you're too drunk to stand, you torture your friends holding you up. When you lose money at the craps table, you torture your bank account. When you piss your bed, you torture housekeeping who has to wash your yellow sheets. When you say to the stripper, "Come to Papa", she thinks back to how her Papa used to rest his sack in her eyesockets, and you torture the stripper. When you check out and complain to the person at the front desk about how you shouldn't be charged for the vomit stains in the elevator, you torture that person. Even the city's slogan, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas", might as well mean when you torture people in Vegas you only do it in Vegas.

So, think again you Ethan Suplee stunt double. Torture and Las Vegas are the same damn thing.

I never did deliver that insult. Talk about denouncing torture.

Goddard Out.