Topeka Roadrunners

On Friday night, a couple of my friends and I decided we’d get a little drunk and venture over to Topeka to watch the Topeka Roadrunners, a minor league hockey team. We proceed to car-bar from Lawrence to Topeka. Our plan is to smuggle in pints of whiskey strategically hidden in front of our junk.

We arrive in the middle of the first period. I’m worried that we won’t get seats. I then remember we’re in Topeka. The arena seats about 10,000. There are 500 people in the stands. We sit three rows from the ice and continue boozing on some dirty whiskey Pepsis.

One of my friends, who was exceptionally wasted, begins berating the referees named Moran and McIntyre. I’m so drunk I can barely insult the girl sitting in front of us wearing an ICP (insane clown posse) jacket. It’s a good thing because she looks capable of delivering a jaw shattering blow with those turkey legs.

As we exit, my obviously drunk friend is receiving high fives from everyone.

Topeka Roadrunners Hockey: Where the Ice is White and So Is the Trash.

Happy States

Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index released its rankings of the happiest states. The top two were Utah and Hawaii. Now, I can understand Hawaii. Beautiful weather all the time. Drinks with little umbrellas in them. Coconut bras. Sure, it should be contending for the top spot.

But, what the fuck is Utah doing at number 1? What could possibly be the source of happiness in a state populated by people who believe in a fake religion? Utah has two things: Mormons and rocks. Mormons can’t do anything that alters their perspective: no alcohol, drugs, nothing. Nothing makes me happier than drinking beers for fun and taking Ambien when I can’t sleep. Polygamy, however, is a fine enough reason to be happy. Having a million kids running around with nothing to sedate them with, probably not.

If Utah and Hawaii are the happiest, who’s miserable? The bottom four are Ohio, Mississippi, Kentucky, and West Virginia, respectively. Ohio has Cleveland where fun and prosperity have both been dead for years, and nobody bothered to plan a funeral. The bailout check for Cleveland has been lost in the mail for a while. Mississippi has a low literacy rate and probably no one will read about this poll. Kentucky has backwoods rivers where tourists can get raped. West Virginia has coal mines and inbreds. West Virginia was so weird it got asked to become its own state by Virginia. Kinda like when your buddy gets asked to leave a party because he’s talking like Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs asking girls, “Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me.” I guess I would have to take living around Mormons and rocks if it came between being raped and not being able to read.

Goddard Out.

Did you hear about this?

Over the weekend in Harlem, New York, a Columbia architecture professor, Lionel McIntyre, clocked a woman, Camille Davis in the face at a bar. McIntyre who is black got into it with Davis, a white woman, during an argument about race. A bar back said the punch was so loud that the kitchen staff could hear it over the Luther Vandross playing in the bar. McIntyre was charged with assault, and Davis showed up to school with sunglasses on to conceal the bruise.

So, what can be gleaned from this? Well, for starters, the obvious: don’t go into a predominantly black area and talk race with a black person. Yeah, it sucks that this woman got smoked in the mug, but come on; you don’t go into a gay bar telling everyone you were in Blockbuster for an hour looking for Philadelphia in the comedy section. She didn’t have it coming, but it could have been avoided.

The only time a black man should hit a white woman is in the deleted scenes of Rocky when Apollo Creed pimp-slaps Adrian for taking the last line of blow at the after-party.

Goddard Out.

Yeah, this isn't a Halloween costume.

More Cliched Quotes Girls Use That Happen to Suck

The idiocy continues. I'm really almost at a loss for words. Oh wait, no. It's stupid quotes like these that feed our misconceptions about life. Just like before, I'll list the quote, explain why it's beyond moronic, and suggest a remedy. Get out your protective goggles. This may be painful.

1. You have four years to be irresponsible here. Relax. Work is for people with jobs. You'll never remember class time, but you'll remember time you wasted hanging out with your friends. So, stay out late. Go out on a Tuesday with your friends when you have a paper due Wednesday. Spend money you don't have. Drink 'til sunrise. The work never ends, but college does... Tom Petty

Holy fucking shit. I should probably listen to a guy who never graduated college but made a shit load of money. The work never ends? You're a fucking rock star. How is that work? The only hard part would be waiting for the 8ball to be delivered. Spend money you don't have? And get your balls chopped off by an overdraft.

Revised quote: Be a fucking reasonable human being. College isn't cheap so don't fuck this up.

2. Shoot for the sky, because even if you fall, you will land on a star.... Anonymous

I think I finally realized why no one likes getting quotes attributed to them and use "anonymous" instead...because most of this shit is beyond dumb. Land on a star? Stars are made up of gas and fire. This quote makes me want to shoot for the buffet and even if I miss I'll land at the soft serve machine.

Revised quote: Do your best. Stay the fuck away from stars or you'll immolate yourself.

3. Once I dropped a tear in the ocean, the day I find it is the day I'll stop loving you... Anonymous

The last time I heard this spoken I was tied up in a basement with live jumper cables on my nipples. This is serial killer, stalker ex-girlfriend shit. I know it's meant to be sentimental, but it's really fucked up. The person, again anonymous that fucking imbecile, is basically implying that he/she will be out in the ocean trying to separate tears from ocean water and human waste. While she's out, why don't we take her credit card to the liquor store.

Revised quote: Once I dropped a black sock in a drawer full of white socks, the day I find it is the day I wash it.

The next two are from Marilyn Monroe. If there are small, impressionable children in the room, put on the Jonas Brothers and crank the volume up.

4. If you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything!... Marilyn Monroe

Yes, but what if she's laughing at you because you just got turned down by her friend? Or because you have a barber pole tattooed on your penis? I've made plenty of girls laugh and to this day, no anal.

Revised quote: If you can make a girl laugh, that's good. Liquor and yay will get you the rest of the way.

5. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve my best...Marilyn Monroe

I hope these weren't part of her wedding vows. Oh, that's right. She was married multiple times. Handle her at her worst? She died of a sleeping pill overdose. Sure, she had a rocking bod, but if this lady is going to be getting all fucked up on pills and screw a bunch of dudes, then yeah, I don't deserve her.

Revised quote: I make mistakes, like using too many pills. At times, I'm hard to handle, like when I've taken too many pills or am fucking the President. But if you can't handle me at my worst, like when I'm vomitting at a bar, really at the bar, then you don't deserve me at my best which is sober, shaven, and totally down to screw.

Well, thanks for the memories, I guess.

What have we learned? Stay in school. Stay away from stars. Stay away from women who search the sea for tears. Stay on top of your game with girls who laugh at you. Stay sober if you're partying with Monroe and you notice all the Valium is gone.

Goddard out.