We'll have to use code. From now on, it's Plan Baltimore

It finally happened. I finally saw a commercial for the Plan B emergency contraceptive. If you are unfamiliar with the Plan B emergency contraceptive, it’s exactly what it sounds like, a pill taken after an incident of unprotected sex whether accidental or on purpose (i.e. out of spite, the classic “I’ll show that bitch” move) to terminate the possibility of a pregnancy. Essentially, Plan B is the get out jail or, in this case, fatherhood card for hundreds if not millions of young men.

I am, however, not writing to debate the merits of the pill. What caught my attention was the commercial. Check out the link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAEq7_NTltk

It’s simply unrealistic. All the women waking up are alone and in pajamas. Let’s be real here. The probable scenario is that she’ll be completely nude and with a calm, hungover male. They won’t get up casually and start getting dressed, rather they’ll start gathering up the cash and get to the guy’s broke-ass Hyundai Sonata and get to the pharmacy as fast as possible. On the way, they’ll argue about who should go in and request it.

I don’t want to take a stand on this, but…

- If the girl’s on the pill, then she should get it.
- If the guy’s condom failed, then he should get it.
- If they were both too drunk to procure protection, then they either rock-paper-scissor, best two out of three, OR have a third party ask a series of riddles where the one who answers incorrectly has to get the Plan B.

The advertisement doesn’t even show the woman getting the condescending look from the pharmacist. The commercial also informs us that Plan B should not be used as regular contraceptive. Probably because Plan B produces the Hiroshima/Nagasaki effect on the directed area. Then it goes on to show how women who take Plan B conveniently go about their lives.

One area left unaddressed was if a man took the Plan B pill on a dare to settle who was more badass. But, that’s another article and another hospital visit.

Here at Rick Goddard, we encourage safe sex whether it's the pill, condoms, chastity belts, or getting so drunk that the prospect of achieving an erection is as unlikely as Adam Lambert being elected pope.

Goddard Out.

I don't want to live in Owl City

If you’ve been listening to Top 40 radio stations, then you’ve probably wanted to cut your own eyes out. I only say this because of the heavily saturated play of Owl City’s self-mutilating single “Fireflies”. You’re probably wondering why I have such a vendetta with this particular song. To start, the lyrics are beyond idiotic. In the song, the singer describes how when he falls asleep at night that ten million fireflies light up the world.

You would not believe your eyes
If ten million fireflies
Lit up the world as I fell asleep

Actually, I’ll disagree. I would believe it if I saw one hundred fireflies. Where the fuck is this guy living? His landlord must be pissed every time this guy takes a nap. And how annoying for his neighbors or roommates or people walking by to have a fucking swarm of lightning bugs roll up every time this guy dozes off. If this guy passed out at my house during a party, he’d probably get his ass kicked for bringing in an almost biblical plague.

The music video is no better. The lead singer of Owl City is playing a keyboard in what appears to be a young child’s room. There’s a train set, a toy robot, and a bunch of other toys and shit flashing and moving around. So, what’s this guy doing in this room? One can assume two possible reasons: he’s either getting ready to beat up his little brother OR he’s getting ready to kidnap and ransom a child.

Well, when this guy falls asleep, the police can track this perv by looking for a huge swarm of fireflies.

Goddard Out.