Who To Root For, Part 1

I'm going to call it like I see it already and say that this year's college football season is shaping up to be pretty badass. Considering the prevalence of new networks showing more and more games than ever before, you'll probably start seeing teams you really don't care about but still feel obligated to root for one or the other. When you have no stake in a team, you have to look past what goes on the field and look to what other factors make the team better or worse.

Let's start with the Michigan-Ohio State Rivalry known as The Game. It's been going on since 1897, and Michigan currently leads it 57-42-6, obviously not a landslide for either team. They've combined for 18 national titles and 10 Heisman winners. They've been coached by legends like Woody Hayes and Bo Schembechler. Neither team can be considered a slouch in any regard.

But, who cares? If it doesn't matter what goes on during the game, then what does? Mascots do. The Michigan Wolverines and the Ohio State Buckeyes. Wolverines are the only animals that kill for fun other than Dennis Rader rabbits. Buckeyes are trees. Even though trees kicked ass in Two Towers, in all actuality, they blow. Point to Michigan.

What else? The cities they're located have a great deal of influence. Ohio State is in the state capital Columbus. The name could be derived from two people. It's either Christopher Columbus, the Italian explorer who came to the Americas, enslaved the natives, and spread smallpox like I'm doing herpes now. Or, it could be Chris Columbus, the movie director who wrote The Goonies and directed Home Alone and Mrs. Doubtfire. Ann Arbor, where Michigan is located, is named after the two founders of the city's wives who were both named Ann. Obviously, these guys had been fighting a lot with their wives and in order to smooth things over, they named the city after their wives.

Weak sauce. I'll take genocide and Macaulay Culkin instead of hanging out in Whipped-by-your-wife-ville. Point to Ohio State.

What about other cities in their state. Ohio has Cleveland, Cincinatti, Toledo, and Akron. Michigan has Detroit, Flint, and Lansing. While Cleveland does suck, Detroit fucking blows. If it weren't for people speaking English, you'd probably think you were in Eastern Europe. And, Flint is home to Michael Moore. Point to Ohio State.

So, there you have it. Ohio State is superior because it's named after a guy who enslaved Indians and made us fear the Fratellis. And it doesn't have Michael Moore or the most depressing cities in the Western world. Go Buckeyes.

Goddard Out.

Cliched Quotes Girls Use That Suck

You've seen them on the pages of shot books, printed on plaques hung on walls, and in Facebook profiles from all over the country. Girls think they're "cute" and "meaningful" and "worth my attention". Well, actually, they are fucking retarded. I, of course, am referring to quotations girls hold their principles to. In this post, I'll list the quote, break it down, and revise it to fit the reality of life.

1. "A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous." Coco Chanel

De-fucking-batable. If all women were classy and fabulous, we'd be without women janitors, lunchladies, meter maids, prostitutes, strippers, crackwhores, methwhores, practice girls, fat chicks, girls who put out on the first drink, softball players, and fraternity house mothers. The world would be thrown into such a state of disarray that it would obviously explode.

Here's what the quote should say: "A girl should be two things: realistic and tolerant."

2. "Never frown because you never know when someone is falling in love with your smile." Anonymous

Holy Ice Cream Paint Job! This is plain stupid. First off, no one, I mean no one, falls in love with someone's smile. Guys just bullshit girls about their smile to eventually get into their pants. That's science. Of course, after that first nut, men feel gushy and yes, maybe fall in love with a girl's smile. Never frown? So that means you're always smiling. Which almost always means you are like the Joker. Which means you will most likely carve my face up too. Fuck that shit. I'd rather wake up to a mediocre morning blowjob from a girl with enormous braces and no awareness of her teeth than wake up with a smile carved on my face from a girl who likes this quote.

Revision: "Find a balance between smiling and frowning. Never frown during sex."

3. "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." Anonymous, made famous by the movie Hitch.

Life is measured by time. No one says, "He was 9,873 breaths old when he was mauled to death by a back of badger-human hybrids." No. They say years, months, days, hours.

Revision: "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments we spend in line at the ATM and on the shitter."

4. "You know when you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." Anonymous

Is reality better than your dreams? In my dreams, I'm fighting cyborgs with an army of flying lions armed with shotguns and lightsabers. We storm the castles of the evil Slipyso and plunder his treasure room and beer cave. Afterwards, we feast on steak, Chipotle, and Keystone Light. It is a great victory. But in reality, I love a woman. If there were a way to combine both the woman and the battle of flying lions with lightsabers, yeah, fucking lightsabers, with a beer cave, then count me in.

Revision: "You know when you're in love or on cocaine when you can't fall asleep because you'd rather be with that person or you physically can't fall asleep."

5. "Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead." -Lucille Ball

Haha. I'll believe it when I fuck it.

Revision: "Once in his life, every man is entitled to sexually degrade a semi-attractive redhead."

Goddard Out.

Motivation of Truth

Truer Motivation

More True Motivation

True Motivation

Dalton's gone to the big Roadhouse in the sky. RIP

Hey, that's not lipstick...

Subliminal Messages

There’s only one way to approach this topic: very bluntly. Every song played by The Eagles is about drugs, more directly, cocaine. I know what you’re thinking, “Goddard must be more blown than Lindsey Lohan. Well, that remains to be seen. Here’s the track listing from their greatest hits compilation, The Very Best of the Eagles:

1. One of These Nights - 4:53
2. Take It Easy - 3:32
3. Hotel California - 6:31
4. New Kid in Town - 5:04
5. Heartache Tonight - 4:27
6. Tequila Sunrise - 2:55
7. Desperado - 3:35
8. Best of My Love - 4:36
9. Lyin' Eyes - 6:24
10. Take It to the Limit - 4:49
11. I Can't Tell You Why - 4:56
12. Peaceful Easy Feeling - 4:21
13. James Dean - 3:40
14. Doolin-Dalton - 3:30
15. Witchy Woman - 4:15
16. The Long Run - 3:42
17. Life in the Fast Lane - 4:47

Just take a look at some of these titles. Their original names may shock you. Blowtel California. Take It Easy that’s my half of the 8ball. New Dealer in Town. Noseache Tonight. Desperablow. Best of my Drugs. Take it to the Limit but don’t overdose. I Can’t Tell You Why Markief Would Short Us on this Kilo. Coked out queasy feeling. James Dean did coke even though it wasn’t mainstream. Doing Coke twice in an hour will last you in the Long Run. Life in the Fast Lane is self-explanatory.

Now, let’s examine some lyrics from Hotel California.

“On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair…”

Desert? What does the desert have to do with cocaine? Well, ask yourself this: aren’t sand and coke the same consistency and texture? You’re damn right they are. And, they both line up on mirror with a credit card.

“So I called up the captain. Please bring me my wine. He said we haven’t had that spirit here since 1969… Wake you up in the middle of the night just to hear them say…”

Captain? Captain Who? Captain Cokebeard, that’s who. Haven’t had that spirit since 1969? What spirit is this? The Ghost of Christmas Present, you know, the big fucker who can fly. And here’s a good indication of coke use. Waking someone up in the middle of the night. I’ve been woken up before to try some new powder.

How about the song, Desperado?

“You been out riding fences for so long now…”

Riding fences? Sounds like they’re riding rails on the Blocaine Northern Express.

“Now it seems to me some fine things have been laid upon your table…”

Yeah, like a tasty 8ball of premo blow. Table? More like mirror. Or urinal. Or breast of prostitute.

Take it Easy is obviously about a drug runner. It takes place in Winslow, Arizona which back in the 1970s was referred to as Winsnow for the incredible amount of cocaine.

“Well, I’m running down the road, trying to loosen my load, I’ve got seven women on my mind. Four that wanna own me. Two that want to stone me. One says she’s a friend of mine…”

Okay, check out the original lyrics.

“Well, I’m running down the road, trying to get rid of this coke, I’ve got seven women on my coked out mind. Four that fucking owe me. Two who got stoned with me. One says she knows a guy with yay…”

Go ahead. Listen to some Eagles songs and pay attention to the subtle references to cocaine.

Goddard Out... of blow.