"I can't believe you told that stripper you'd get her face on the dime."

"I can't believe you gave her that black eye."

Let's level for a minute...

It doesn't take a fucking social scientist to realize that my blog has been read less times than the Pope's copy of the Kama Sutra. Start telling anyone who agrees with this kind of humor about the existence of this blog. I checked the number of visitors the other day. My site has been hit less times than a water bong at a Mormon summer camp.

Help me out, or I'll be doing lines of Prozac off a urinal tonight. Well, let's be honest, I'm doing that anyways.

Goddard Out.

Holy Fucking Shit

Holy fucking shit, Chad Ocho Cinco, aka Chad Johnson aka retarded name change, is coming out with an Ocho Cinco condom line. He says they'll catch any thing a Johnson can throw. Holy fucking shit, I'm buying four thousand. I'll buy five thousand if you can customize them with catchphrases and graphics. Nothing says safe sex like a big "Ay Carumba" going up and down my shaft or a picture of me giving me a thumbs up.

Even though wearing a condom blows, I'll definitely start wearing them. Maybe I'll start wearing them during the day. No I won't.

Condoms haven't been this cool since Lisa "Left Eye" Lopes wore one on her, well, left eye. But no one has done it since. This is one of those dare to be great situations for you, Khloe Kardashian.

Goddard Out.

Taylor Swift's Secret to Success

No one can ignore that Taylor Swift has achieved amazing success and popularity with her blend of country and pop. Not so fast says this cynical bastard. This kind of success just has to be manufactured. After extensive research, I "swiftly" (yeah, I already told myself to fuck off for that one) figured out her formula.

1 part hopeless romantic girl/ just a friend girl
1 part dream guy/ dream guy who's just a friend/ dream guy who ignores her calls (secretly because he didn't pull out)
1 part adversity (another girl, hard to find, fight authority, disapproving parents)

EQUALS

A TAYLOR SWIFT ALBUM

There it is. That's how you sell a fuck ton of records. Hey, wait a minute. This recipe for popularity seems familiar. Oh, I know. It's the plot of every 80s movie about high school. Let's see...

Hopeless romantic and dream guy, sounds like "Sixteen Candles". Dream guy who's just a friend and he has a girlfriend, probably "Some Kind of Wonderful". Hopeless romantic and a dude who won't answer his phone, "Adventures in Babysitting". Hmmmm, disapproving parents and a girl who's just a friend, definitely "Lost Boys". Dream guy who won't answer her calls and fighting authority, yep, "Rain Man".

Nice try, Taylor Swift. Molly Ringwald better be seeing some royalties for all this mopey country-pop bullshit.

Since I've cracked the code expect her next album to follow the exact plot of either 80s horror movies or a concept album for "Waterworld".

Maybe Kevin Rudolf can make a guest appearance. Or maybe he can tee bag a car battery.

Goddard Out.

Looking for a theme song for a douchebag?

In case you were wondering what time it is, it's about ten past fuck off o'clock for Kevin Rudolf. If you don't know who Kevin Rudolf is, other than a singing pubic hair with two first names, he's the Hitler of the music genre known as tool rock. Oh, and he sings "Let It Rock" which might as well have the sheet music written on a flat bill hat. Other well-known contributors to tool rock are Nickelback(some would say the founders), Seether, etc...

So, if Kevin Rudolf is tool rock's Hitler, then the legions of douchebags clad in white sunglasses, flat bills, Ed Hardy shirts, and jeans with more tears than my stepsister's snatch must be the storm troopers. The opening bars of "Let It Rock" are the first movements of the mating game of a tool. I can almost smell the long island iced tea.

Rudolf has been able to ignite a target audience of Aeropostale shoppers into song, dance, and muscle flexing. The last person to achieve success in this area was Uncle Kracker.

It's my theory that tool rock becomes prevalent when many people have a feeling of hopelessness. Nickelback became really popular after 9/11. Kevin Rudolf is tapping the same vein after another losing season for both the Kansas City Chiefs and the Cincinatti Bengals. Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader? was cancelled. It seemed that life was raining shit all over faux-hawks everywhere.

I normally don't advocate mass suicide, but if Kevin Rudolf goes on tour with Seether with an opening act of Larry the Cable Guy and a surprise guest appearance by Carlos Mencia, let's meet on top of the Hancock Building in our swimsuits, and we'll all swan dive to a better place together.

I will not let it rock.

Goddard Out.

Sign of Awesomeness

A couple days ago, Glenn Beck, a notable conservative commentator, exploded on a caller who accused him of not caring about bail-outs and healthcare reform which is incorrect, he's been a big critic of both. Even though Glenn Beck's kind of a tool, it's pretty hilarious.

The clothes make the man-Part 5

Part Five: “What are you looking at dicknose” shirt

This shirt was popularized by the character Stiles from the epic film, Teen Wolf.

Who should wear it: people who identify with the trait awesome.

What the guys think it says about them: God, I hope some chick thinks I’m Stiles, and I get laid.

What women think: Hey, is that Stiles?

What the shirt really says: The world is divided into two types of people: those who like Teen Wolf and those who love Teen Wolf.

Recommendations: If you like this one, you were disappointed with Teen Wolf Too.

The clothes make the man-Part 4

Part Four: Hawaiian or Tommy Bahama shirts

Hawaiian shirts walk a fine line. Tommy Bahama even says that it’s “island inspired”.

Who should wear it: anyone living near or on a tropical coast or location, old men who get dressed by their wives, token fat dudes in 80s comedies.

What the guys think it says about them: Old men think, “Most people should assume I have recently returned from a vacation or that my name is Tommy.” Young men think, “I look like a fucking asshole. I have no other clean shirts but this one. I better get wasted to play it off.”

What women think: Older women think, “My husband/boyfriend looks like he has a timeshare in Cabo. I have such good taste.” Younger women think, “I bet his dad regifted that.”

What the shirt really says: Old men, “Some day, I’ll retire in a tropical location.” Young men, “I feel like I shacked with Jimmy Buffett.”

Recommendations: Old guys can pull it off. Young guys only on location.

The clothes make the man-Part 3

Part Three: Ed Hardy shirts

The Ed Hardy brand was started by Ed Hardy, a tattoo artist, and is now being distributed by Christian Audigier. The shirts are adorned with graphics of skulls, knives, and other “hardcore” shit. They also feature the phrases, “Do or Die” and “Love Kills Slowly”.

Who should wear it: people from LA, people from Miami, people who like to pay a lot of money for a shirt that looks like it was gang banged and bukkaked by a crew of cartoon characters.

What the guys think it says about them: This shirt really represents my “do or die” outlook on life and my view that “Love kills slowly”. It really goes well with my all white sunglasses and jaded attitude.

What women think: Oh my God! Is that Jon Gosselin?

What the shirt really says: I look like a douche, don’t I?

Recommendations: If you really do wear this out, go to a nightclub, not a bar, where everyone is wasted, tripping, or blown or all three. The shirt looks like a piece of toilet paper in Captain Planet’s bathroom.

The clothes make the man-Part 2

Part Two: Affliction shirts

The Affliction brand was popularized by Randy Couture of UFC fame. They have a shit load of graphics like skulls and guns.

Who should wear it: guys who do mixed martial arts fighting.

What the guys think it says about them: If anyone needs to know how hardass I am, they need only look at my shirt. If anyone asks, the skulls on my shirt are for the people I’ve beaten to death.

What women think: That guy must be in UFC. If he isn’t, he’s an incredible tool.

What the shirt really says: I hope this doesn’t distract from my chinstrap.

Recommendations: If you don’t settle business inside a steel cage or octagon, don’t bother wearing one.

The clothes make the man-Part 1

There’s an old expression that says, “The clothes make the man.” To that end, the “What your shirt says,” segment has been initiated. There will be five subdivisions: who should wear it, what the person thinks about wearing it, what women think, what the shirt says about you, and recommendations.

Part One: The Polo

The Polo shirt encompasses all brands.

Who should wear it: people going to a casual get-together, people in college who don’t wear button downs, golfers.

What the guys think it says about them: I spent a shitload of money on this shirt with a little animal on it, therefore some girl should ride me like the pony on this shirt. I’m being very subtle and not sticking out. Except for my boner.

What women think: Wow, that guy is the perfect combination of casual and business. Maybe later, I’ll casually suck his business in the bathroom later.

What the shirt really says: The collar says, “I’ll buy the next round.” The little animal above your nipple says, “But you have to fuck me.”

Recommendations: Do not pop the collar unless you are mocking someone who does OR are around others doing OR carry a stungun.