Honestly, it would be negligent of me not to warn you about the shittiest movie of the season: Clash Of The Titans. I’m not going to apologize if the movie had your hopes up because mine were crushed like a Xanax. But, why?
The story sucked. The transitions sucked. The characters, besides Zeus and Hades played by Liam Neeson and Ralph Fiennes, respectively, sucked. Sam Worthington has the acting range of burnt toast. There wasn’t an Audioslave song on the soundtrack. The ending sucked megadick. The original was butchered like a coed in a slasher flick.
Sam Worthington plays Perseus, a demigod, his father being a god and his mother a mortal. Throughout the whole movie, he keeps bitching about doing this quest to save Argos (which is a shithole, an ancient Detroit, if you will) as a mortal not a god. Why the fuck would he do that? Take the fucking magic, dude. If I was the protagonist, the movie would be done in ten minutes as I smoke any obstacle in the way. Oh, what’s that? A huge scorpion? BOOM! Now, it’s a huge fucking pile of ash. Oh, wait, if Medusa looks at me, I’ll turn to stone? POP! Magical brownbag on her face, bitch. Oh, no, the Kraken is going to devour ancient Detroit! Fuck that shit as I super saiyan the Kraken’s sack off.
In the end, Perseus doesn’t take the logical route and hook up with the princess he saved, rather he goes off in solitude, and Zeus brings some bitch who can’t die who died (if your nose is bleeding right now, it’s perfectly normal) to live/marry him. Beyond idiotic.
And, still, it’s the number one movie in America. If this keeps up, I’m moving to Haiti and opening up a Long John Silvers. Anybody down?
Goddard Out.
