Fuck Yeah...

The sequel to last year's blockbuster Iron Man is due out in 2010 and Entertainment Weekly has some sweet pictures. Mickey Rourke plays Whiplash and Scarlett Johansson plays Black Widow. According to EW, the story will tell of the beginning of Tony Stark's alcoholism (this could be a whole movie in itself) and he has to battle Whiplash, a Russian inventor, and teams up with War Machine, Marvel's affirmative action answer to Iron Man.

Basically, we have all the ingredients for a kick-ass movie. The bad guy and the hot chick are both Russian. The main character is an alcoholic and gets a hip, new sidekick. It's cinema gold. I have no doubt Jon Favreau will do another awesome job, but if I were directing this movie this is how it'd go...

First, Iron Man would be played by Christian Slater so he wouldn't have to act like he was suffering from substance abuse. War Machine would be played by Lawrence Taylor and would have to use several catch phrases from the 80s and 90s (cowabunga, don't go there, get the picture, etc...) during the course of the film. Carmen Electra would play the Black Widow. Whiplash would have to be played by Jake Busey and would also have a drinking problem.

The movie would have the same plot only a much more depressing ending. Since I don't know the ending, mine will be that Iron Man gets attacked by Whiplash during an AA meeting but luckily for him, War Machine was bumping rails in the bathroom, kills Whiplash and gets Iron Man to a hospital. Unbeknowst to anyone, Whiplash has just ended a six week cycle of sperm donations ensuring at least eight to ten sequels and more money for the franchise and more roles for Jake Busey.

Either way, this movie will kick ass because of Mickey Rourke's addition. Before he signed on, Rourke's contract had to procure at least ten instances where he called another actor "brother" and gave out at least twelve fist bumps.

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Sign of Awesomeness

Stephen King's IT is currently in development to be remade. Nothing says awesome movie like an imaginary clown that murders children. And it's rated R.

What a Coincidence...

After I hit a huge bong, I feel like a Subway sandwich... and another hit.

One Reason Why Harry Potter Blows

Ever since the first book was published, the Harry Potter series has come underfire from multiple groups and viewpoints. Some call it witchcraft. Some say it has political or religious implications. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but I think the real message being conveyed by the series is truly evil.

That message: it's okay to be friends with gingers. For all I care, Harry Potter could be conjuring up Hitler and Marquis de Sade and I'd be fine with it. Now, he's best friends with a red headed oaf and will eventually marry that ginger's sister creating an entire brood of Godforsaken, genetically mutated British critters.

Scientists have determined that the traits of red heads (freckles, pale skin, time release sperm, uncontrolled pubic hair, constant internal bleeding) will not exist in the next few decades. Potter and Granger are completely ruining this possibility by having ginger babies.

Maybe there's a spell that changes hair color, skin color, and constant internal bleeding. Maybe go fuck yourself.

Goddard Out.