I'll tell you what didn't kill him... that awesome beard.

Why Terminator Salvation Blew

1. Bale was fighting the wrong enemy.

Christian Bale thrives at fighting: demented clown characters (Joker), pussy psychologist criminals (Scarecrow), and yuppie douchebags (Paul Allen, Luis Carruthers, random prostitutes). Not Robots. Why? Because robots don't understand how fucked they are when they face Bale. The incapacitating fear that someone experiences when Bale puts on Huey Lewis or the Batsuit is incomprehensible to a shitty robot. And Bale certainly couldn't fuck roboprostitutes to Sussidio. At least not comfortably.

2. McG directed this pile of garbage.

McG's resume is Charlie's Angels 1 and 2 and numerous music videos. Why were those successful? Hot chicks and concise content. Salvation had a semi-hot pregnant chick (contradiction I know) and a computer version of Helena Bonham Carter. You be the judge.

3. Kyle Reese was reduced to a kid who let puberty punch him in the nuts.

In the original, Kyle Reese was such a badass that John Connor let him go back in time to fuck his mom to have him. I wouldn't want this version of Kyle Reese go back in time to pick my mom up from work. My recommendation: cast Jake Busey. Busey would use his superior strength and acting capability to own Skynet. The only reason they didn't cast Busey was because he'd prevent any sequels.

4. What the fuck is Common doing? And where did he get those glasses out of nowhere?

Goddard Out

The best place to hide a penis... other than inside a co-ed

Too bad she looks like a grown up Village of the Damned girl.

It was 2-4-1 Bloody Marys at the Amtrak Bar

Cusack in Iran

Movie Reviews-Pt. 2

Before I begin with the review of Raiders, I'll have to preface this with how awesome Indiana Jones as a movie character is. He ranks highly in the pantheon of cinema badasses. John McClane. Han Solo. Pennywise the Clown. Batman. Snake Plissken. Rooster Cogburn. Vader. The list goes on. Anyone whose first name is a state has to be able to back up his badass resume and Indiana Jones does.

The movie was slated for awesomeness. George Lucas and Steven Spielberg both had a hand in the production and direction of the movie. Well, the movie is about Indiana Jones' search for the lost Hebrew Ark of the Covenant before the Nazis can get it. So we already have a sweet storyline involving Nazis and Jewish people. Along the way, Indy has to get a headpiece from a girl, Marion, he basically threw on the scrap heap of life, sexually and emotionally. And his friend Sallah, a Cairo based digger who likes to sing Gilbert and Sullivan operattes, modern day, he'd be singing Rent.

So, after some sweet chase scenes, Indiana and Marion are tied to a stake and have to watch the Nazis open up the Ark. Instead of finding the Ten Commandments, the Nazis get their shit melted, literally, by the power of God through the Ark. Indy and Marion survive because they're not planning on wiping out six million Jews in the next few years. The Ark gets put in storage. Roll credits.

I think the best aspect of the movie is the villain. Not the Nazis but Rene Belloq, the French archealogist and Nazi-sympathizer who helps locate the Ark. He's a bad guy not because he's evil but because he's just a douche. He doesn't do anything too malignant other than aiding the Nazis. He does, however, act like a total tool around Indy, Marion (who he's trying to lay, but French men weren't appealing to women until 1951), and the Nazis. If the Ark wouldn't have killed him, the Nazis would have sent him to Dachau for some experiments on sphincter circumference.

Raiders was followed by three sequels, two of which were sweet, and one had Sean Connery. Yes, Crystal Skull sucked, but let it not overshadow the awesomeness of the previous sequels. Spielberg has hinted that Shia LaBeouf will assume his role as Indy's son in future movies.

Don't fuck this up, Even Stevens.

Goddard Out.

Sign of Awesomeness

Every week, I'll post a Sign of Awesomeness about the world that conforms with my world view.

This week's Sign of Awesomeness:

YouJizz, the porn site, has a Twitter.

Movie Reviews

The following entries will be movie reviews. One will be an older film, Raiders of the Lost Ark, and the other relatively new, Revolutionary Road. Don't get your thongs bunched up about the spoilers. If you do, rent them both or read about them on IMDB before you bust a tear-nut.

Let's start with the new. Revolutionary Road came out in January 2009. Kate Winslet and Leo DiCaprio both star as a couple. It's based on a Richard Yates novel of the same name from 1962 and its set in the late 1950s/early 1960s, you know, when boozing and smoking while pregnant or at work or driving or around kids was cool (now its faux pas). Already, if you've been waiting for it to be made into a movie you're either dead or read the last page and figured it out yourself. If you did see it then I think even we can agree that this movie was grade A, 100%, spot-on, FUCKED UP. If anyone else saw this as a shock, you're not alone. Once I finished watching this depressing flick, I blew two lines of Prozac and popped in a Muppets Greatest Hits to cheer myself up.

Don't misinterpret me. I thought the acting was superb. The plot is where it makes me want to hang myself with a kite string. I'll start with the general outline and fill in with details later. Boy and Girl meet at party. Girl gets pregnant because Boy kept bragging about how good his timing is on pulling out. Dreams are dashed. Work and life stagnate for Boy and Girl who are now two kids deep. Girl wants to move family to Paris. Boy gets promotion at work. Paris plans are fucked. Girl is pregnant again. Marriage stagnates. Girl tries to perform abortion onself, fails. Roll Credits.

So Kate and Leo have a kid, rush a marriage, move into the suburbs, have another kid, Leo goes extramarital with a girl I'd characterize as a "practice girl" (the kind of girl whose body is fine but her face /personality has been stepped on with a golf shoe), Leo gets Kate pregnant and just when they're ready to move to Paris, Leo gets a promotion at work and decides he should stay for more money. This leaves Kate feeling disillusioned about life since he ditched Paris for a higher salary and a gym membership. Kate goes extramarital with her neighbor. Kate, pissed at Leo, performs a late term abortion on herself with some kind of squeezy apparatus and bleeds to death. Leo takes the kids to NYC and dies inside every day he sees a practice girl.

Fucking depressing. It should have been called Bummer Road or Late Term Avenue. I will say this, had the sex been more fulfilling for the stars of this movie (the sex scenes lasted a total of twenty seconds, that's two romps averaging ten seconds each) the movie may have been salvaged. I'd want to fuck a practice girl or my neighbor or perform an abortion if I couldn't get any good sex. Shit, the movie should have been called Minuteman Road.

One more point. Kate Winslet went from calm housewife to batshit insane in a snap. Great acting, yet the reality of such a transformation would scare the fuck out of me. Very, very crazy. Sadly, since the sex scenes were so short, one could never confirm the "crazy in the head, crazy in bed" law.

Check it out but don't end the night on it.

Indiana Jones is next.

Goddard Out.