Have you ever drank so much you forgot certain parts of the evening? Have you ever drank so much you forgot how you made it home? Have you ever drank so much that you don't remember anything and wake up in a state of shock wondering if you murdered someone or really fucked the girl laying next to you? If you answered yes to any of those questions, you have time traveled.
I know what you're thinking: what's time traveling? Isn't that impossible? Don't we need a flux capacitor?
It is possible, and I'll explain the flux capacitor later. Time traveling is what most people refer to as blacking out. The term "blacking out", however, has become too cliched and politically incorrect. Time traveling is when you have a lapse in memory due to heavy drinking, just like blacking out. Example: 9:30 you take a shot. Next memory, it is 10:45. You have effectively time traveled.
The flux capacitor is simply the will to drink until you time travel. The DeLorean is the shot you take prior to the time travel beginning.
The following is a transcript from a recent time traveling event:
8:01. We start pre-drinking. I just recharged the flux capacitor and start off with whiskey.
10:14. We arrive at the bar. A friend and I polished off a bottle of Seagrams before we left, so I'm feeling quite drunk. Better warm up the DeLorean. Shot: Red Headed Slut.
11:02. I regain consciousness. I'm in the bathroom standing in front of a urinal. My pants are around my ankles while I drunkenly try to piss and text at the same time. Shot: Viking War Helmet.
11:37. Conscious again. I'm wearing a birthday girl's tiara. Her boyfriend walks up and starts demanding I give it back. I like the way it sparkles. To diffuse the tension, Shot: Tequila, fuck the lime.
12:48. I awake. I'm in the back seat of a Tahoe with a girl and guy. Two girls sit in the front seat. We're doing lines of coke off of a VHS copy of Bride of Chucky, oh, Director's Cut Edition. Better wash this blow down. Shot: Straight, cheap whiskey.
1:23. Woke up. Laying in my bed with girl who really liked cocaine. She tells me she's done more coke than an Eagles tour. I guess I believe her. Well, all the shots and blow have left me with a case of conscientious objector cock. Sneak off to the bathroom and play blacksmith with the toilet seat. Shot: Two Tylenol PMs.
As you can see, time traveling is no joke, but it sure is fun. Except for the blacksmith part.
Goddard Out... to fill up the DeLorean.
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