When Will Kid Rock Die...

Hold up, relax, just wait a minute.

I love not only the music of Kid Rock but also, the idea of Kid Rock. An American Badass. He's our generation's Theodore Roosevelt only he loves Coors Light. And damnit, so do I.

I merely ask when he's going to die because he needs to have a movie made about him. We all know that movies made about one's self during one's lifetime blow. Example: Triumph of the Will about Hitler and B.T.K. about Dennis Rader, if you're thinking of Bind Torture Kiss the Rick Goddard biopic, it drops in 2011. Kid Rock has to be dead so the movie is totally badass.

For the sake of argument, considering Kid Rock's lifestyle, let's give him ten years before he croaks. So, let's do some casting. Obviously, the elder Kid Rock who reflects on his life will be played by Jake Busey. And through computer editing, Jake Busey will play Kid Rock for most of the movie.

Uncle Kracker will be played by an abnormally obese Zac Efron.

Joe C, remember Joe C the creepy small dude, will be played by Haley Joel Osment who will undergo addiction to crystal meth for the role.

Miley Cyrus will play Pamela Anderson. Trust me, in the next ten years, she'll have a boob job. Right now, she makes me want to party in the USA, but after a breast enhancement, she'll make me want to party into a handful of kleenex.

It sounds to me that this movie will kick some ass. The only bad part will be the childhood scenes in Detroit. Who knows, in ten years Detroit could be gone. Replaced by a Six Flags. We can only hope.

Now for a title... American Badass. No, too predictable. Trucking to the Top. I don't know. Cocaine and Coors: The Gospel According to Kid Rock. Bingo.

The sex scene between Kid Rock (Busey) and Pamela Anderson (Cyrus plus 2 cup sizes) will be the Sistine Chapel for boners.

Goddard Out.