The idiocy continues. I'm really almost at a loss for words. Oh wait, no. It's stupid quotes like these that feed our misconceptions about life. Just like before, I'll list the quote, explain why it's beyond moronic, and suggest a remedy. Get out your protective goggles. This may be painful.
1. You have four years to be irresponsible here. Relax. Work is for people with jobs. You'll never remember class time, but you'll remember time you wasted hanging out with your friends. So, stay out late. Go out on a Tuesday with your friends when you have a paper due Wednesday. Spend money you don't have. Drink 'til sunrise. The work never ends, but college does... Tom Petty
Holy fucking shit. I should probably listen to a guy who never graduated college but made a shit load of money. The work never ends? You're a fucking rock star. How is that work? The only hard part would be waiting for the 8ball to be delivered. Spend money you don't have? And get your balls chopped off by an overdraft.
Revised quote: Be a fucking reasonable human being. College isn't cheap so don't fuck this up.
2. Shoot for the sky, because even if you fall, you will land on a star.... Anonymous
I think I finally realized why no one likes getting quotes attributed to them and use "anonymous" instead...because most of this shit is beyond dumb. Land on a star? Stars are made up of gas and fire. This quote makes me want to shoot for the buffet and even if I miss I'll land at the soft serve machine.
Revised quote: Do your best. Stay the fuck away from stars or you'll immolate yourself.
3. Once I dropped a tear in the ocean, the day I find it is the day I'll stop loving you... Anonymous
The last time I heard this spoken I was tied up in a basement with live jumper cables on my nipples. This is serial killer, stalker ex-girlfriend shit. I know it's meant to be sentimental, but it's really fucked up. The person, again anonymous that fucking imbecile, is basically implying that he/she will be out in the ocean trying to separate tears from ocean water and human waste. While she's out, why don't we take her credit card to the liquor store.
Revised quote: Once I dropped a black sock in a drawer full of white socks, the day I find it is the day I wash it.
The next two are from Marilyn Monroe. If there are small, impressionable children in the room, put on the Jonas Brothers and crank the volume up.
4. If you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything!... Marilyn Monroe
Yes, but what if she's laughing at you because you just got turned down by her friend? Or because you have a barber pole tattooed on your penis? I've made plenty of girls laugh and to this day, no anal.
Revised quote: If you can make a girl laugh, that's good. Liquor and yay will get you the rest of the way.
5. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve my best...Marilyn Monroe
I hope these weren't part of her wedding vows. Oh, that's right. She was married multiple times. Handle her at her worst? She died of a sleeping pill overdose. Sure, she had a rocking bod, but if this lady is going to be getting all fucked up on pills and screw a bunch of dudes, then yeah, I don't deserve her.
Revised quote: I make mistakes, like using too many pills. At times, I'm hard to handle, like when I've taken too many pills or am fucking the President. But if you can't handle me at my worst, like when I'm vomitting at a bar, really at the bar, then you don't deserve me at my best which is sober, shaven, and totally down to screw.
Well, thanks for the memories, I guess.
What have we learned? Stay in school. Stay away from stars. Stay away from women who search the sea for tears. Stay on top of your game with girls who laugh at you. Stay sober if you're partying with Monroe and you notice all the Valium is gone.
Goddard out.
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