Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index released its rankings of the happiest states. The top two were Utah and Hawaii. Now, I can understand Hawaii. Beautiful weather all the time. Drinks with little umbrellas in them. Coconut bras. Sure, it should be contending for the top spot.
But, what the fuck is Utah doing at number 1? What could possibly be the source of happiness in a state populated by people who believe in a fake religion? Utah has two things: Mormons and rocks. Mormons can’t do anything that alters their perspective: no alcohol, drugs, nothing. Nothing makes me happier than drinking beers for fun and taking Ambien when I can’t sleep. Polygamy, however, is a fine enough reason to be happy. Having a million kids running around with nothing to sedate them with, probably not.
If Utah and Hawaii are the happiest, who’s miserable? The bottom four are Ohio, Mississippi, Kentucky, and West Virginia, respectively. Ohio has Cleveland where fun and prosperity have both been dead for years, and nobody bothered to plan a funeral. The bailout check for Cleveland has been lost in the mail for a while. Mississippi has a low literacy rate and probably no one will read about this poll. Kentucky has backwoods rivers where tourists can get raped. West Virginia has coal mines and inbreds. West Virginia was so weird it got asked to become its own state by Virginia. Kinda like when your buddy gets asked to leave a party because he’s talking like Buffalo Bill from Silence of the Lambs asking girls, “Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me.” I guess I would have to take living around Mormons and rocks if it came between being raped and not being able to read.
Goddard Out.
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