Who To Root For, Part 1

I'm going to call it like I see it already and say that this year's college football season is shaping up to be pretty badass. Considering the prevalence of new networks showing more and more games than ever before, you'll probably start seeing teams you really don't care about but still feel obligated to root for one or the other. When you have no stake in a team, you have to look past what goes on the field and look to what other factors make the team better or worse.

Let's start with the Michigan-Ohio State Rivalry known as The Game. It's been going on since 1897, and Michigan currently leads it 57-42-6, obviously not a landslide for either team. They've combined for 18 national titles and 10 Heisman winners. They've been coached by legends like Woody Hayes and Bo Schembechler. Neither team can be considered a slouch in any regard.

But, who cares? If it doesn't matter what goes on during the game, then what does? Mascots do. The Michigan Wolverines and the Ohio State Buckeyes. Wolverines are the only animals that kill for fun other than Dennis Rader rabbits. Buckeyes are trees. Even though trees kicked ass in Two Towers, in all actuality, they blow. Point to Michigan.

What else? The cities they're located have a great deal of influence. Ohio State is in the state capital Columbus. The name could be derived from two people. It's either Christopher Columbus, the Italian explorer who came to the Americas, enslaved the natives, and spread smallpox like I'm doing herpes now. Or, it could be Chris Columbus, the movie director who wrote The Goonies and directed Home Alone and Mrs. Doubtfire. Ann Arbor, where Michigan is located, is named after the two founders of the city's wives who were both named Ann. Obviously, these guys had been fighting a lot with their wives and in order to smooth things over, they named the city after their wives.

Weak sauce. I'll take genocide and Macaulay Culkin instead of hanging out in Whipped-by-your-wife-ville. Point to Ohio State.

What about other cities in their state. Ohio has Cleveland, Cincinatti, Toledo, and Akron. Michigan has Detroit, Flint, and Lansing. While Cleveland does suck, Detroit fucking blows. If it weren't for people speaking English, you'd probably think you were in Eastern Europe. And, Flint is home to Michael Moore. Point to Ohio State.

So, there you have it. Ohio State is superior because it's named after a guy who enslaved Indians and made us fear the Fratellis. And it doesn't have Michael Moore or the most depressing cities in the Western world. Go Buckeyes.

Goddard Out.