Cliched Quotes Girls Use That Suck

You've seen them on the pages of shot books, printed on plaques hung on walls, and in Facebook profiles from all over the country. Girls think they're "cute" and "meaningful" and "worth my attention". Well, actually, they are fucking retarded. I, of course, am referring to quotations girls hold their principles to. In this post, I'll list the quote, break it down, and revise it to fit the reality of life.

1. "A girl should be two things: classy and fabulous." Coco Chanel

De-fucking-batable. If all women were classy and fabulous, we'd be without women janitors, lunchladies, meter maids, prostitutes, strippers, crackwhores, methwhores, practice girls, fat chicks, girls who put out on the first drink, softball players, and fraternity house mothers. The world would be thrown into such a state of disarray that it would obviously explode.

Here's what the quote should say: "A girl should be two things: realistic and tolerant."

2. "Never frown because you never know when someone is falling in love with your smile." Anonymous

Holy Ice Cream Paint Job! This is plain stupid. First off, no one, I mean no one, falls in love with someone's smile. Guys just bullshit girls about their smile to eventually get into their pants. That's science. Of course, after that first nut, men feel gushy and yes, maybe fall in love with a girl's smile. Never frown? So that means you're always smiling. Which almost always means you are like the Joker. Which means you will most likely carve my face up too. Fuck that shit. I'd rather wake up to a mediocre morning blowjob from a girl with enormous braces and no awareness of her teeth than wake up with a smile carved on my face from a girl who likes this quote.

Revision: "Find a balance between smiling and frowning. Never frown during sex."

3. "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away." Anonymous, made famous by the movie Hitch.

Life is measured by time. No one says, "He was 9,873 breaths old when he was mauled to death by a back of badger-human hybrids." No. They say years, months, days, hours.

Revision: "Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments we spend in line at the ATM and on the shitter."

4. "You know when you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams." Anonymous

Is reality better than your dreams? In my dreams, I'm fighting cyborgs with an army of flying lions armed with shotguns and lightsabers. We storm the castles of the evil Slipyso and plunder his treasure room and beer cave. Afterwards, we feast on steak, Chipotle, and Keystone Light. It is a great victory. But in reality, I love a woman. If there were a way to combine both the woman and the battle of flying lions with lightsabers, yeah, fucking lightsabers, with a beer cave, then count me in.

Revision: "You know when you're in love or on cocaine when you can't fall asleep because you'd rather be with that person or you physically can't fall asleep."

5. "Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead." -Lucille Ball

Haha. I'll believe it when I fuck it.

Revision: "Once in his life, every man is entitled to sexually degrade a semi-attractive redhead."

Goddard Out.